


Tears Dry On Their Own

by maxduckbutt



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, Divorce, Drama, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Humor, Infidelity, M/M, Romance, Tropes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6686713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxduckbutt/pseuds/maxduckbutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two stunningly powerful individuals; so hopelessly in love. They had everything anyone could ever want - fame, money, love and a family worth more than all the happiness in the world.<br/>But something happened. Something wrong.<br/>One half of their whole committed a mistake that the other could never accept and, thus, unleashed a story of discovery, understanding and forgiveness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Some Character Notes before you begin:
> 
> Shim Changmin  
> Age: 29  
> Occupation: Designer, Model  
> Husband: (Ex) Kim Jaejoong  
> Bio: Married Jaejoong at the age of 19, gave up modelling at the age of 20 after adopting their new-born son - Kris.  
> Used to be known as the Ice-Prince or Demon of the modelling industry and tends to be ruthless and cut-throat in his profession. He is fiercely loyal to people he considers friends and family.  
> Divorced Jaejoong at the age of 26.
> 
> Kim JaejoongAge: 31  
> Occupation: Former Idol-Singer, Present day CEO and owner of KS Entertainment - The largest and most influential Entertainment Company in the Asian market.  
> Husband: (Ex) Shim Changmin  
> Bio: Married Changmin at the age of 21, gave up singing after their parents merged their entertainment companies together in order to learn the mechanisms of the industry. He insisted on the adoption of Kris at the age of 22. He is incredibly well respected and a tough, intelligent and powerful person to go up against in the industry. He is incredibly protective about those around him.  
> Divorced Changmin at the age of 28.

_Beautiful, smart, powerful, strong. We were everything when we were nothing. We became nothing when we became everything._

_Was it fate? Was it a mistake? Were we really just wrong from the start?_

_A gorgeous and intelligent son. A marriage that we’d fought so hard to get. A love that was never supposed to end._

_Then why?_

_Why has the winter of our love arrived?_

_Why has it ended before the spring has subsided?_

_Can you answer?_

_Or are you the answer._

_I don’t hate you._

_I can’t._

_Tell me, Jae, where there’s a place for hate in my heart, when all I have ever had is love?_

_Undying,_

_Faithful love._

_Faithful._

_I want to laugh._

_I want to cry._

_I won’t lie._

_There is so much resentment in me, Jaejoong._

_I resent you. I can’t look at you. I don’t hate you._

_But I want to._

_You cheated on me, my love. Right there, on the floors of the world that we both built together._

_You were wrapped so tightly in each other’s arms, so enraptured, so unaware._

_I didn’t know who she was._

_Does that make me the unaware one?_

_Hearing her cry out your name as you plunged deep into her feminine depths, I could only wait for you to call out hers._

_But that wait proved too long._

_My heart couldn’t take it._

_I had to run._

_I needed to._

_So forgive me._

_Just as I have forgiven you._

_Even though my heart has not._

_Forgive me for giving up on our marriage._

_Forgive me for taking away our son._

_Goodbye, my love._

_I hope you never have to find this letter. I hope you’re happy with her. Whoever she is. I hope she makes you happier than I ever could._

_Yours,_   
_Forever and ever,_   
_Changmin._

 

“Changmin?”

 

**I sigh as I slip the letter between the pages of our wedding album, putting the book back on to the shelf.**

 

“Changmin, where are you?” Jaejoong calls, his voice resounding around the house.

 

**I look at my sleeping son as I reach down to pick him up into my arms.**

**“Papa?”**

**“Go back to sleep, baby. We’re going out.”**

**“Mmm.”**

 

“Changmin, answer me!” Jaejoong shouts as he looks into every room of their massive mansion.

 

**I grab our suitcases and walk determinedly out the door, promising myself to never look back again.**

 

“Changmin, this isn’t funny! Where are you?!"

It's then that Jaejoong realises he can't find his son either.

"Kris?! Kris?! Kris, answer me, dammit!”

 

**I start the engine of the car and drive away. My heart torn. My life destroyed.**

 

“What is this?” Jaejoong exclaims, running shaky fingers through his hair, as he spots painfully familiar papers lying on top of the dining table.

“Divorce papers...”

A note under the papers draws his attention.

 

_**I know where you were last night. I just wish you hadn’t been there.** _

_**Goodbye.** _

 

The lithe man reaches in panicked distress for his phone and dials his husband’s number.

This number is out of service. Please check the number you have dialed and try again.

 

**“Yunho?”**

**“Changmin?” My best friend exclaims in surprise, “Which number are you calling from?”**

**“Yunho…”**

**“Changmin, are you crying?! Are you okay?! Where are you?!”**

**“Yun, I’m coming home. I’m coming back to Japan.”**

**“Changmin, what the hell?”**

**“My flight lands there at 4.15. Pick me up, please?”**

**“I-Okay. But you better have a good explanation for this.”**

**“I’m getting divorced, Yun. He cheated on me.”**

**“I’ll pick you up.”**

 

“Fuck, Yoochun, what do I do?!”

“You messed up, Jae. You messed up good…”

“I know, damn it, I know…and he’s taken Kris with him. He took my SON!!”

“Not permanently, apparently…” Yoochun whispered.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s filed for joint custody.”

 

**“Papa, where’s Daddy?”**

**“He’s at home, baby.”**

**“When are we going home?”**

**“I won’t be going back, Krispy, but you will, just after a little while, okay?”**

**“Why won’t you go home?”**

**“Because I don’t want to see your Jae-pa, baby. He wants to see you, though, so you need to go back sometimes.”**

**“Did Daddy do something bad?”**

**“He did to me, love. But he loves you, so that’s all that matters right now, okay?”**

**“No. I won’t go back if he hurt you.”**

**“Let’s talk about it when the time comes, Krispy. Go back to sleep.”**

 

“He’s been gone for five fucking days, Yoochun! I don’t even know where the fuck he is!”

“I do.”

Jaejoong whirled around in shock and stared at his friend.

“I know where he is, but I’m not telling you.”

“What the fuck, Yoochun? How can you not tell me?!!”

“Because he told me not to.”

“Whose side are you on, you bastard?”

“Changmin’s. Clearly.”

“Why would he tell you, but not me?”

“Because I’m your lawyer, Jackass.”

“What did he say?”

“He wants you to sign the divorce and custody papers soon. He’s dealing with the press from wherever he is.”

“Shit.”

 

**I opened the newspaper and shut my eyes against the prickling behind them. It’s real, I whispered. God, why did it have to be real?**

**The power couple falls.**

**Famous former top model Shim Changmin and former Idol-Singer turned Entertainment Industry Tycoon Kim Jaejoong file for divorce. Reasons stay under wraps.**

**“He let go.”**

**“You made him,” Yunho whispered, wiping a stray tear from my cheek.**

**“I couldn’t take it anymore, Yun.”**

**“I know.”**

  
“It’s done, you’re officially single, man.”

Jaejoong stared frigidly out the window.

“Just think, Jae, you can fuck that tight assed, bimbo of a secretary whenever you want now.”

Yoochun didn’t even blink as he stopped his best friend’s fist from hitting his face.

“Feeling guilty?”

“Get out.”

“Oh, grow the fuck up, Jaejoong. You lost the best thing you ever had in your life, because of what?!”

“Get out of my office, Yoochun.”

“No. I will not. Not until you realize how fucking stupid you are! How fucking filthy, disgusting, depraved and _trite_ -“

“I KNOW, OKAY?!”

Yoochun looked at him pityingly.

“You lost something great, Jae. And you’re never going to get it back. Do you realize what you’ve lost?”

“Yes,” The man gritted out.

“You lost, Changmin, Jae. You lost your beautiful, amazing, snarky, witty husband, for a cheap stress-fuck at the office. And I’m not even sorry that you did.”

 

  
**“I want to start modelling again,” I whispered, looking through all my old portfolios, my heart aching with an emptiness I'd long forgotten.**

**“I think that’s a good idea.”**

**“I want to stand on my feet again. I want to be invincible again. I never want to feel this helpless again.”**

**“Do you have the strength to bring Max Changmin back? Can you really return to being the Ice-Prince of the fashion world?"**

**“But that’s the thing, Yun, I never went away.”**

**Yunho watched the once warm brown eyes turn into frigid, murky depths of untamed passion.**

**He felt a shudder run down his back as an almost palpable aura radiated out from the man in front of him.**

**Angel or Demon? Shim Changmin had always been an enigma. Powerful and ruthless, suppressed because of the love he had for his family.**

**Kim Jaejoong had once again unleashed him.**

**He was just sorry that it had to be this way.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three years have gone by. Changmin's back and things are never going to be the same again.

  
**_3 Years Later:_**  
  
 _Jaejoong,_  
 _I’m coming home._  
 _Three long years have gone by and I haven’t spent a day not thinking about you._  
 _Am I a masochist? Am I so insecure about myself that I can’t even forget about my first love?_  
 _Every day here has been like a long exile into eternity, an eternity self-inflicted but torturously unwanted._  
 _All I do is question everything about you and me._  
 _Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you think about me as much as I think about you?_  
 _I don’t know how much longer I can live like this, Jae._  
 _I’m going to die from a broken heart and no one’s going to be around to save me._  
 _Will you take care of Kris when that happens?_  
 _Will you tell him how you destroyed me?_  
 _Or will you save me._  
 _It’s here that I start to wonder; did you ever care about the letter I left for you? Did you care about the last testament of my love?_  
 _I gave you the last of what I had left to give in that letter, Jae._  
 _I gave you my blessings for a happily ever after without me._  
 _Did you read it?_  
 _Did you accept it?_  
 _Did you reject it?_  
 _Did you hurt as much as I did?_  
 _If you did, then why haven’t you called to tell me that you’d wait for me? Why haven’t you called to say, “Changmin, I will always love you. I’m sorry. I’ll wait until death and beyond for you to come back to me?”_  
  
“Changmin, are you ready?”  
  
“I’ll be right out!”  
  
 _I have to go now, my love._  
 _I need to get back home to you._  
 _But you’re going to have to work to get back home to me._  
 _Prove it to me._  
 _That you love and will love only me._  
 _Just me._  
 _No one else._  
 _Prove it._  
 _And I’ll be yours,_  
  
 _Forever and Ever,_  
 _Changmin._  
  
I tucked the diary carefully into my handbag and opened the bathroom door, only to come into contact with Yunho’s hard body.  
  
My body seemed to thrum with an almost tired energy at the contact.  
  
“God, you look good…” Yunho groaned, circling around me twice, his hands running down the side of my arms, almost as if he were memorizing every contour of my skin, before reaching up to push my light brown hair away from my face.  
  
“I always look good,” I murmured, winking at him as my lips slid into an easy, sultry smile, causing Yunho’s eyes to turn an almost predatory shade of black, “Now, stop perving on me and get ready, we need to be at the airport in an hour.”  
  
 _When did things get so bleak, so grey, so wrong._  
  
“I’ll stop “perving” on you when you stop acting like a vixen,” the gorgeous man stated empathetically, bending down to press a kiss against my cheek and then against the birthmark under my chin.  
  
I shuddered softly, before pushing the other away, ignoring the knowing glint in his eyes, “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”  
  
“Changmin.”  
  
“Mmm?”  
  
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”  
  
It didn't take knowing rocket science to get what the other was talking about.  
  
 _Was I ready to go home?_ I wondered, recalling the conversation that changed the course of my choices.  
  
 ** _"Changmin?"  
  
"Yes, Mom."  
  
"Come home."  
  
"I can't, Mom, not yet."  
  
"How long are you going to avoid him for? How much longer are you going to make your poor son altercate between two countries because of your stubbornness?"  
  
"You don't understand..."  
  
"I may not understand your motives, Minnie, but do you?"_**  
  
I shook my head from the memories and turned my back on Yunho, choosing, instead, to walk towards the bedroom door; my heart so painfully calm – like it was on the brink of life and death, the same way it had been for the last three years.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Changm-“  
  
“It needs to happen one day, Yunho.”  
  
“Bu-“  
  
“Go get ready.”  
  
I ignored his sigh and walked away; my hands running along the walls of the house, tracing every picture, every memory, every instance that my heart beat without  _him_ around.  
  
“Dad!”  
  
I jumped out of my skin, startled, and whipped around, only to have a heavy nine-year-old fling himself ceremoniously into my arms.  
  
“Oof! God, Kris, you aren’t small anymore, baby.”  
  
“I thought you said I would always be a little baby to you.”  
  
“Don’t get snarky with me, brat. Have you packed all your things?”  
  
“Duh, Dad. You’ve only like reminded me a hundred times.”  
  
“Silly child, stop using the word ‘like’ out of context. Did you pack everything? You better have not left anything behind.”  
  
“I haven’t! Geez! Stop being so naggy…I’m not a child anymore.”  
  
I sighed exasperatedly before reaching down to tickle the forlorn expression off of his face when I saw Yunho come down the stairs with a bunch of my intelligent son’s clothes.  
  
“Packed everything, huh?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow at the brat and watching him flush in embarrassment.  
  
“I forgot about the clothes in the laundry basket.”  
  
“I’m not a child anymore, he says…” I mutter, bending down and biting my son’s cheeks, “You are always going to be a child, Krispy. My little, stupid baby.”  
  
“And you’re always going to be my little, stupid Minnie,” Yunho muttered, biting my ear and holding up another set of clothes that strangely resembled my ow-  
  
Oh.  
  
Kris, covered his mouth as a stream of giggles escaped from him, clutching on to Yunho’s legs for support as he gave into his hysterics.  
  
“Come here, you little Devil,” I laughed, pressing my lips against his stomach and blowing raspberries onto his tummy.  
  
“Stopppp itttt!!!” He cried, hollering out to Yunho for help.  
  
“No can do, Bub, your dad’s going to kill me if I do anything else.”  
  
“Nohohohoooooo DAAAADDDDD!!”  
  
  
 ** _Meanwhile back in Korea:_**  
  
 _My love,_  
 _It’s been three years since you left and it still feels like eternity._  
 _What I did to you, to us, was unforgivable. I can’t face you. I can’t look at you and see everything that I’ve lost._  
 _I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I was wrong. Come back to me._  
 _Those are the things I so desperately want to say to you, but cannot._  
 _I see you with him. With Yunho._  
 _He can make you happy._  
 _He can fix you where I can only break you._  
 _I feel so conflicted about this._  
 _So jealous._  
 _So consumed with anger at the thought of you with someone other than me._  
 _I hate you for going to him._  
 _I hate you so fucking much for giving up as quickly as you did._  
 _I hate you for hurting my pride._  
 _You, who are the pride of our family, the most gorgeous and intelligent being to ever walk this planet, how could I have lost you?_  
 _I’m a hypocrite._  
 _I destroyed us._  
 _I can’t even explain why._  
 _Could I say, it just happened? That I never meant for it to happen but it just did?_  
 _Not for a want, but for a selfish, disgusting need to prove that I could?_  
 _It could be all those factors. But it isn’t._  
 _It was because I felt like I didn’t deserve you._  
 _That I could never deserve you._  
 _I took away everything from you. Your career, your prestige, your success._  
 _You were the epitome of perfection._  
 _You were a God._  
 _And I needed to make you human._  
 _I needed you to see imperfection and understand it for what it is._  
 _I needed you to hurt._  
 _And there in lies the complicated reasoning behind action._  
 _Did I know you would find us?_  
 _Yes._  
 _Did I know you would leave me?_  
 _Yes._  
 _Did I want you to?_  
 _Yes._  
 _Did I realize how much it would hurt?_  
 _No._  
 _I’m sorry, my love._  
 _I’m so sorry._  
 _Forgive me._  
 _I will love you until the day I die._  
 _Come back to me._  
  
 _Yours,_  
 _Forever and for always,_  
 _Jaejoong._  
  
  
Yoochun cleared his throat for the hundredth time as he watched Jaejoong bury himself into his journal.  
  
“What do you want, Chun?”  
  
“Your attention, if you don’t mind.”  
  
“You never have my attention, so why do you even bother?”  
  
“Thanks for that. Appreciate it. What the fuck do you write in that stupid journal of yours anyway?”  
  
 _Memories. Desires. Hope. Love._  
  
“What. Do. You. Want?” Jaejoong asked again, flinging his pen at Yoochun .  
  
“Changmin’s coming back.”  
  
“I heard,” Jaejoong muttered, flipping through his journal and trying to ignore Yoochun’s searching eyes.  
  
“And how do you feel about this?”  
  
“What are you, my shrink?” the other murmured disinterestedly.  
  
“He’s coming back permanently, Jaejoong. Doesn’t that mean something to you?”  
  
“Of course it does, it means I can see my son everyday instead of every six months.”  
  
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”  
  
Jaejoong threw his book on to the table in front of him and looked right at Yoochun, “What do you want me to say? That this is going to be some God given chance for Changmin to forgive me and come back to me? That the most vindictive mother-fucker of all time is suddenly going to not be vindictive and fall into my arms?”  
  
“Well maybe if you were actually remotely apologetic, Changmin would try to, you Douche.”  
  
“I’ve tried enough over these three years, Yoochun. I’m done. If he doesn’t want to forgive me, then I’m not going to force him to."  _I can’t. "_ Plus, you’ve been listening to the media recently haven’t you?”  
  
“You mean those baseless rumors about Yunho and him?”  
  
“Do they really look that baseless to you?”  
  
Yoochun scoffed, “Only someone as pathetic as you would question their relationship after knowing them for as long as you have.”  
  
“They were seen  _kissing_ in fucking  _public_!”  
  
“That was pho-to-shopp-ed,” Yoochun stressed, as if talking to a stupid person.  
  
“Whatever, Man. Semantics. All I hear is Kris harping on about Yun-Appa, Yun-Appa, Yun-Appa. I’m so fucking sick of hearing his name everywhere I go.”  
  
“I wonder if you even realize how jealous you sound.”  
  
“This isn’t about  _jealousy._ This is about finding out that your husband’s been shacking up with some guy, who probably has less than honorable intentions towards him and doesn’t even care about  _clarifying_ the rumors!”  
  
“Okay, one, he’s  _not_  your husband, and two, even if he is dating Yunho, which he is  _not,_ then why don’t you fucking man up and take back what’s yours?”  
  
“He’s not mine to take back.”  
  
“He’s always been yours.”  
  
Jaejoong shut his eyes against the rush of emotions that came with those simply spoken words.  
  
Yoochun shook his head and turned away, moving to switch on the TV instead, letting his head fall back against the head of his chair, a groan emanating from his throat as he realized what the news was about.  
  
 _God, why are you playing these jokes on us?_  
  
 _“Shim Changmin, our very own internationally acclaimed fashion designer and top model, has returned to Korea after three years of self imposed exile._  
 _His last stay here ended with the tragic end of his marriage to his childhood sweetheart and corporate partner, Kim Jaejoong._  
 _However, it appears as though his rumored relationship with the Jung Industries CEO, Jung Yunho, has helped him heal his scars and consequently result in his homecoming._  
 _An industry insider has claimed that the two are on the verge of getting engaged._  
 _The controversial promise ring adorning Max’s left middle finger seems to be a testament to this fact._  
  
  
  
 _We hope this information proves to be true and leads to the formation of a new power couple in the industry –“_  
  
“TURN IT OFF!” Jaejoong shouted, causing Yoochun to turn towards him, startled.  
  
“Baseless, huh, Yoochun? They’re getting  _engaged!”_  
  
“Jae –“  
  
“Fuck, this, like fucking  _hell_  am I going to let this happen!”  
  
“Jaejoo –“  
  
“Son of a  _bitch –“_  
  
“JAEJOONG!”  
  
“WHAT?!”  
  
“That isn’t a promise ring.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“He’s wearing your wedding ring.”


	3. Chapter 3

_Dear Jaejoong,_  
 _Have you heard?_  
 _I’m back home…_  
 _Are you angry?_  
 _Are you happy?_  
 _I’m neither…_  
 _I’m just scared. So scared._  
 _I went to our old apartment today, the one we lived in before we adopted Kris._  
 _Everything looks exactly the same. The sheets are still ruffled, the scratches on the headboard from the first time we made love are still as prominent as they were then, the unopened letters from our fans, the smell of your broken cologne bottle, the echo of our laughter and our tears, the scattered remnants of the past litter every corner of the house…_  
 _I cried._  
 _I never realized how weak I was until you weren’t there to tell me how strong I had to be._  
 _I don’t know how long I sat there, just there…breathing in tandem with the ticking of the clock; its sound a painful reminder of the passage of time._  
 _I realized how far we’d come when I felt my heart stutter as I watched our son play with your old PlayStation._  
 _He’s just as bad at using the controls as you used to be. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a joystick break as fast. He’s truly your son._  
 _He asked me whose house it was…_  
 _And all I did was smile,_  
 _“A friend’s.”_  
 _But we know better, don’t we?_  
 _It’s nobody’s._  
 _It’s no longer “ours”._  
 _It just is._  
 _Just like we are._  
 _Just like we used to be._  
 _I’m sorry, my love. I’m sorry for everything that happened to us, just like I know how sorry you are._  
 _I’m going to see you tonight, at Yoochun’s birthday party._  
 _I don’t want to._  
 _I’m scared that I’ll hit you or scream at you. I’m scared that I’ll scare our son._  
 _But Yoochun’s never resorted to begging…and this time, when he came to pick Kris up, …he did._  
 _I owe him._  
 _He made leaving you bearable._  
 _He helped me not give up on you._  
 _And I realize now, that maybe…_  
 _I have to come see you._  
 _I have to remind myself why I have to hate you…_  
 _And find out… once and for all…_  
 _Why I never stopped loving you._  
  
 _Yours,_  
 _Forever and Ever,_  
 _Changmin._  
  
  
“Yunho, hurry up!” I shouted, finally laying my journal to the side.  
  
“FIVE MINUTES!” I heard him yell from down the corridor, “I’m almost ready!”  
  
“You said that thirty minutes ago, you fat ass,” I grumbled under my breath.  
  
“The pot calling the kettle black? Doesn’t he remind you of someone?” I heard an amused voice call out from behind me.  
  
I turned around to find my mother eyeing me with a hint of humor in her eyes.  
  
She didn’t look a day older than when I saw her three years ago, except for the prominent laugh lines beside her eyes, another indication of all the moments I missed with my family.  
  
 _Three years…another regret…_  
 _That time feels like another lifetime ago._  
  
“When did you get back home? Dad said you were going to be gone for another week? And in answer to your question…I don’t know who you’re talking about…” I stated petulantly, moving to the dresser and looking at my reflection in the mirror.  
  
“I wasn’t going to miss spending a single moment with my son and grandson. And, yes, little sir, you do know who I’m talking about. It used to take you hours to get ready and then your poor Dad would have to call Jaejoong home from next door to get you to leave…”  
  
I looked at her from the mirror, watching in silence as her eyes glanced furtively at the picture of Jaejoong that still adorned my nightstand.  
  
“That boy wouldn’t even come in through the front door, he’d always climb the tree up to your balcony… I never understood why he did those things until, of course, the both of you came to your Dad and me, to tell us that you’ll were dating…”  
  
I shut my eyes and rested a palm against the side of the mirror, letting memories of those simpler days flood my mind like a river of untold secrets and a love that promised to last forever.  
  
 ** _Flashback:_**  
  
I sat at my desk, furiously jotting down notes for the class test that I was bound to fail.  
  
Courtesy? Kim Fucking Jaejoong.  
  
 _This is what I get for playing hookey with him throughout the year…_  
  
 _I don’t even know why I hang out with him, to be honest._  
  
 _All I do is get into trouble and then spend days mourning my once perfect grades._  
  
“You’re going to be a model! Why would you need good grades? He says. I NEED GOOD GRADES DAMMIT! ME, SHIM CHANGMIN! BECAUSE I LIKE BEING PERFECT, ASSHOLE!”  
  
“And now I’m talking to myself. Fabulous.”   
  
 _Why do I do this to myself?_  I wondered.  
  
 _Because I love him._  
  
I leaned back in my chair and zoned out, staring blankly at the wall in front of me and cursing myself for being stupid enough to fall in love with my best friend.  
  
 _God, why must you be so clichéd?_  
  
I looked at the Hello Kitty watch on my desk and rolled my eyes.  
  
 _Even his stupid stuff’s in my room._  
  
 _And fuck, it’s 3 a.m._  
  
 _There’s no way anything’s going to go into my head now._  
  
Just as I moved to put a pen between the pages of my notebook and shut it, I heard a soft thud from behind me.  
  
I froze.  
  
 _Oh God._ I thought, my knuckles turning white as I clutched at the corner of my desk.  
  
 _What was that?_  
  
Another thud and a soft whimper.  
  
 _Oh god!_ I thought, my hair standing on end.  
  
 _It can’t be…_  
  
 _Can it?_  
  
 _It’s just a movie… a movie. Not real, not real…not real._  
  
Another thud sounded, this time accompanied by the tapping of nails against the window.  
  
 _I’m going to die!! DIEE!!_  
  
“Please don’t kill me! Please don’t kill me!!” I screamed under my breath as I swiveled stiffly in my chair.  
  
There was a white face pressed up against the window of my balcony.  
  
I wanted to shout, but all I could do was let out a depraved whimper and slide down from my chair and onto the floor, my whole being losing its ability to function.  
  
“Changmin, let me in! It’s freezing out here…”  
  
 _Jaejoong._  
  
It didn’t take a second for the adrenalin to kick in, as I lunged for the balcony doors and pulled them open.  
  
“Fucking finally! How long does it-“  
  
“YOU FUCKING BASTARD! YOU GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU INSANE?!”   
  
I whisper-screamed, gripping the front of his jacket and slamming him up against the doors.  
  
“Chang-“  
  
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME RIGHT AFTER PUTTING ME THROUGH TWO HOURS OF WATCHING SADAKO?! WHY?!”  
  
Losing my ability to hold myself up, I slouched against him, letting him grab hold of my waist and consequently allowing myself to release a trembling breath.  
  
It was like my heart was doing its own rendition of a sonata, conflicted in its reasoning of fear or love.  
  
 _But where’s the difference?_  
  
“I’m sorry, Minnie…” he whispered against my ear as he pulled me closer to his cold body, as if he were trying to absorb some of my heat.  
  
“I was just worried about you since the lights were still on. I figured you couldn’t sleep because of the movie.”  
  
“Iwarsstrayintohstaady…” I muttered against the fabric of his jacket.  
“What?” He asked, using one hand to tilt my face up to his while continuing to hold me up with the other.  
  
“I said,” sighing as I realized how close our faces were to each other’s, “that I was trying to study.”  
  
“Oh...” he whispered, his eyes trailing down to my lips.  
  
“Why?”  
  
I smiled.   
  
 _Of course, you wouldn’t know, you dork._  
  
“The whole school has tests tomorrow.”  
  
“What? Seriously?” he asked, still staring at my lips as if seeing them for the first time.  
  
“Mhmmm.” I hummed, letting my tongue slick across my lower lip as I tightened my fist into his jacket.  
  
“That’s…just…don’t care,” he muttered, before bending down and closing the one inch of gap between our lips.  
  
God knows…I don’t think I cared much after that point either.  
  
 ** _End Flashback_**  
  
I opened my eyes and smiled ruefully, “He used to say that good things always happened when he climbed up that tree…”  
  
“Oh? I never realized he was that superstitious…”  
  
 _He wasn’t superstitious, just super horny._  
  
“Yeah…”  
  
 _There were a lot of things none of us realized…_  
  
“I’m ready!”   
  
My Mum and I turned around to find Yunho beaming at us from the door, his entire frame covered in a smart suit that looked as if he’d been poured into it.  
  
He looked…  
  
 _Perfect._  
  
“Now  _that_ is something worth spending time on,” My mother cooed, rushing over to him and smoothening out his lapels and collar.   
  
“The two of you are going to make people’s heads spin.”  
  
With that she ran out of the room, muttering something about getting her camera, leaving the both of us to stare appraisingly at each other.  
  
“You look good,” I stated quietly, walking over to pull a stray thread from the side of his jacket and fiddle around with his pocket square.  
  
“You look so perfectly edible.” He whispered back flirtatiously, nuzzling his nose against the side of my throat, a habit that he’d seemed to develop over the last three years, and then running a hand down the side of my own jacket.  
  
“You can’t do this in front of other people, okay? There are already rumors going around that you and I are getting married.”  
  
“People? Or just Jaejoong?” he drawled, gazing into my eyes challengingly.  
  
“I love him.”  
  
Those words sounded like a loud whiplash in the large room, but the effects weren’t as damning.  
  
“I know that. I just wish you would stop,” he said simply, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth.  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
A quiet sigh followed that particular revelation.  
  
“The really sad bit is, I know that too.”  
  
Minutes seemed to pass as we looked into each other’s eyes, looking for things neither of us could understand, nor wanted to.  
  
“Come on, pseudo-boyfriend, let’s go downstairs,” I finally said, running a comforting hand through his hair before walking out the door, trying to hide the calculating glitter in my eyes.  
  
“Changmin.”  
  
 _This seems to be becoming a routine for us._  
  
“Yes, Yunho?”  
  
“I saw that look. What are you planning on doing once you get to the party?”  
  
I smiled amusedly, knowing full well that I’d been caught.  
  
“Teach the Asswipe a lesson that he’s never going to forget.”  
  
“After which…?”  
  
“We’ll see.”  
  
Yunho reached out and grabbed hold of my arm, “Are you going to take him back?”  
  
I turned back around at his touch and faced him with unwavering eyes.  
  
“There’s the rub, isn’t it, Yunho?  _When did I ever let him go_?”


	4. Chapter 4

_Jaejoong,_

_People talk._   
_They talk about us all the time; like they know more about us than we do._   
_I hear mean, cruel, horrible things about us wherever I go. More often than not, my love, their anger, their resentment, seems directed towards me. As if I’d committed the biggest sin by leaving a man who so clearly loved me, to fall into the arms of another._   
_It burns._   
_Their words burn my soul._   
_I’ve never cared for people and what they think. Nothing could hurt me so long as I had you by my side._   
_But words that use you as a weapon are ones that I cannot defend myself from._   
_I could never tell the world the truth about what happened._   
_I could never do that to you._   
_A man like you, whose pride weighed stronger than our love…_   
_I could never take that away from you._   
_So I let them talk…_   
_But sometimes…sometimes the anger unleashes itself. Sometimes bitter, cold hatred thrums through my veins and my mask of casual serenity drops._   
_The demon shows itself._   
_You always said that Yunho was the only one who could tame the demon._   
_You were wrong._   
_You and Kris were my anchors. The parts of me that could bring me back from an unnamed darkness that would always threaten to destroy me._   
_Yunho was and is the only one who can understand this darkness; after all it was a darkness that was perpetuated entirely by my love for you._   
_I’m not perfect, Jaejoong._   
_I’m not the God that you make me out to be._   
_I’m flawed. So flawed._   
_You were the only perfection in my life._   
_You were the light in my life, the one that protected me from the darkness of an industry that feeds off of youth and beauty._   
_Now the only thing that stands in the way of my giving in, is the darkness I built to fight it and our son._   
_If the price of that is to take the blame, then so be it._   
_I know what will win out._   
_I know, that one day, I will mean more to you than your fears, your darkness and your pride._   
_I will wait for that day, my love._

_Forever and for always._   
_Changmin._

“It’s Shim Changmin…”

“Wasn’t it Kim Changmin?”

“Have you been living under a rock for the last 3 years? He got divorced.”

“Shit, weren’t they listed as the third most powerful couple in South Korea by Forbes? I thought they married for love or something?”

“They did, but apparently one of them cheated or something.”

“Cheated? I heard it was because of money. That’s probably why Shim’s hanging all over Jung Yunho…the man’s set to become Korea’s next billionaire.”

“But haven’t Jung and Shim been best friends since they were in diapers?”

“Money can change anyone I suppose.”

“I heard-“

“Actually, I heard that it wasn’t anyone’s business why they got divorced.”

Hearing a fifth voice join their little gossip group, the four members whirled around to find the topic of their discussion standing beside them.

Shim Changmin, a legend in the fashion world, gazed at them with an amused twirk of his lips, his hand reaching out to pick up a glass of champagne from a passing waiter.

To anyone standing anywhere else, Shim Changmin looked the picture of casual elegance, topped with an amused grace that left any man or woman in the room with a warm feeling of suppressed desire curling within the depths of their being.

But to the four people standing beside him, his eyes belied a fierce, frigid, demonically cold stare that rendered them trembling at their knees.

“I-we-uh sorry…” one of the two women within the group mumbled as she grabbed her date and scurried away, her eyes taking on a look of hunted prey.

“Scaring my guests away already, Shim?”

The icy brown eyes melted into warm honey, a genuine smile gracing Changmin’s face as he turned around to greet Park Yoochun.

“God, I missed you, you jerk,” Changmin muttered as he leaned in to hug his ex-husband’s best friend, “Happy Birthday, Chun.”

Yoochun’s arms tightened around Changmin’s waist, his nose rubbing against the other’s collarbone in an affectionate snuggle, his smiling lips brushing against the taller man’s shoulder.

“Where’s Jung?” he asked, finally pulling away and gazing fondly into Changmin’s eyes.

“Probably out there flirting with some of your single or not so single guests.”

Yoochun quirked an amused brow at this, a grin spreading across his lips as he looked beyond Changmin’s shoulders at Yunho, who had decided to stealthily approach his date.

“Do you have such a low opinion of me, Min?” Yunho murmured against Changmin’s ear, as he stepped up to press his chest flush against the other’s back, while long, lithe fingers trailed across his waist and pulled him back into a one armed embrace.

“Is that Kim Junsu?!” Changmin exclaimed under his breath, bursting out into hearty laughter as Yunho leaped a foot away from him, looking around like a thief caught in the act.

“Still as shameless as ever, I see,” Yoochun muttered through his chuckles, “Junsu isn’t coming here this evening, Jung. He has a concert in Busan tonight.”

“Fuck, you scared the shit out of me, Min,” Yunho mumbled, burying his face into his suddenly sweaty palms.

“When are you going to stop being afraid of him, Yunho? He’s the love of your life and he’s like a foot shorter than you.”

“He’s evil!” Yunho hissed, his brows taking on a sharp v as he thought about his secret, on again, off again, never going to admit it, boyfriend, “He’s a sadist. A cruel, mean, evil to the bone, sadist. And he’s not the love of my life, we’re nothing. Plus, last I heard, he was shacking up with some dude from that stupid musical of his.”

“Jealousy rearing its ugly head again, Yunho?”

“Psshhh, me? Jealous? As if. I’ve got the hottest, most amazing person ever in my arms, right here,” he mumbled, pulling Changmin back into his arms again.

“He wouldn’t even dare say half the things he is, if Junsu wasn’t all the way on the other side of the country. You should really see the way he acts around the house, because I swear to God if Junsu ever caught him acting like that, he’d get him neutered.”

Yoochun laughed, watching the two best friends in action.

He would never admit it, but their relationship always frightened him a little. He himself called Jaejoong his soul-mate, his best friend; but what Yunho and Changmin had was a little more than that, and far more intense.

There was no one in the world who could understand Changmin like Yunho could, and no one in the world who could understand Yunho like Changmin could.

They were two sides of the same coin.

Brothers, lovers.

A big convoluted mess of too much love that could render anyone insecure. Just like it had three years ago when Jaejoong had instilled a belief into himself, that he would never be good enough for Changmin, never understand this God-like creature that only Yunho seemed to have tamed.

A drunken confession had verbalized Jaejoong’s transgressions, revealed to Yoochun a broken, beaten side of his best friend that he kept locked within himself, hidden behind a mask of tantrums and too much pride that did little to no good for him.

Hell, even Junsu seemed threatened by their relationship.

“I’ve seen Yunho snuggling up to Changminnie one too many times. One more news broadcast about them getting married and I swear to God I’m going to fuck these concerts and head on back to teach him who he belongs to.”

But Yoochun could never, ever hold what Yunho and Changmin had against either of them. They were a part of each other. They wouldn’t survive without each other.

But Yoochun knew one thing that stood far ahead of their friendship. Something that Jaejoong in all his perceptiveness failed to understand. Changmin loved Jaejoong more than anything or anyone else in the world. He loved Jaejoong with an almost obsessive nature that only someone from the outside could see.

Who was it that said that the closer you look the more you miss?

Jaejoong missed that little detail.

Although he saw Changmin’s love, he failed to see the frightening obsession that underlay it, the power that grew and grew from a union that was far beyond fate and destiny.

While Changmin and Yunho were soul-mates.

Changmin and Jaejoong were the very embodiment of love.

A love so strong, so invincible, that it would consume them both until they rose from the depths of their own darkness or destroy everything that they held dear and leave nothing but remnants in their wake.

And as if proving every facet of his theory true, Yoochun straightened as Jaejoong entered the hall from the doors directly beside Changmin, watching detachedly as his best friend carried Kris on his back after having seen him play outside with the other children.

He watched calculatingly as Changmin’s own shoulders rose, pupils dilating as if he sensed his ex-husband’s presence in the room, leaving Yoochun to, for the first time in a long time, pray silently as the model turned on his heels to stare right into the eyes of the man he loved more than life itself.

"Jaejoong..."

 


	5. Chapter 5

_My dearest Jaejoong,_   
_What do you think an ending feels like?_   
_An ending with no hope of a beginning…_   
_Is it that one moment when everything that matters suddenly becomes obsolete?_   
_The one period of time where every mistake, every crime, every wrong is forgiven…?_   
_Or is it the point when desperation craves touch, when what has been done can never be forgotten…_   
_No time for wounds to heal, no time for hatred to burn out its vengeful flame…_   
_No time to remember what once was and what will never be._   
_You, my love, are my end._   
_I look to you and fade into nothing._   
_Time loses meaning._   
_And what once was an eternity is but nothingness._   
_Nothing but black depths of deep rooted resentment of possibilities lost, opportunities negated and a love that could move mountains turned into ashes of betrayal, lust and vengeance._   
_Oh, my sweetheart, if I could forget…_   
_If beginnings were so easy to return to…_   
_If forgiveness…sweet, sweet forgiveness would stop hiding in my heart like a frightened, beaten child…_   
_I would run into your arms._   
_How much longer?_   
_How much longer do I wait for you, the man I raised to the pedestal of a God, to turn back time?_   
_To give me back the happiness that you so carelessly threw into the unforgiving depths of a turbulent sea._   
_Oh, I hate you so, my love._   
_I hate you from the depths of my soul._   
_But isn’t that love?_   
_Forgiveness…_   
_It’s there for you take…_   
_Maybe one day._   
_For now…_   
_Isn’t revenge so exceedingly sweet?_

_Yours,_   
_Forever and for always,_   
_Changmin._

  
Cold.

Deep seated, bone depth cold.

Changmin curled his nails into his palms, as if starving off the over-whelming need to reach out and strike the man in front of him across his perfect face.

How could love and hate war so intricately with each other?

Where one says “hurt him”…the other says “that’s like hurting yourself”.

It was frustrating.

And yet so beautiful in its own macabre way.

“Jaejoong…”

“Changmin-ssi, glad you could make it.”

The model bit his tongue, ignoring Yoochun’s pained groan and Yunho’s sudden stiffness in favour of curling his lips into a frigid, fear-inducing smile.

“I wouldn’t miss this for the world, Jaejoong-ssi,

“It’s been too long, hasn’t it?”

“It really has. How have you been? Still shacking up with that gorgeous secretary of yours?”

Changmin relished the tightening of Jaejoong’s jaw and the flexing tick by his chin.

The model wasn’t crazy enough to say the last bit out loud, but whispering it had had the desired effect, nonetheless.

Yoochun’s hand was digging warningly into his wrist, but all Changmin could see was Jaejoong. Just like he always had. Only him.

“I don’t have a secretary, Changmin-ssi. Haven’t had one for the last 3 years, in fact.”

Changmin’s relief didn’t make it to his face.

At least that much.

At least that much his ex-husband had done in order to honour what they once had.

“Expanding your horizons, then?” It tasted bitter on his tongue. The accusation was petulant, it was hurtful, but it held fear.

“Never. Never again.”

There.

There it was.

Jaejoong’s mask dropped, Changmin’s icy veil shifted.

Yunho watched the two men with a small smile, wondering why, when they so clearly try to hurt each other at every turn, their innate love for each other was still so clearly visible to anyone looking to see it?

Yoochun watched ruefully as the two men gazed at each other, their eyes trying to say everything and nothing, their hearts crying out at the injustice of being so cruelly repressed.

Changmin cleared his throat, turning away to push back the prickling behind his eyes before turning back to the other with the veil back in place.

“I think we have a lot to catch up on, wouldn’t you say? So, why don’t we take this conversation to a more private place...The balcony, perhaps?”

Jaejoong frowned disappointedly at the sudden shift in behaviour, “Of course…after you.”

Yoochun watched both the men walk away and turned towards Yunho, who was now stuck babysitting Kris.

“That was frightening.”

“And yet, strangely amusing.”

“I’ve never heard them talk to each other like that. I’m scared they’re going to create a scene.”

Yunho grinned knowingly though, “Really? I thought that was foreplay.”

“Foreplay?”

“Ah, Yoochun, my sweet, innocent chunk of forehead…there are only two outcomes that can come from a conversation like that…”

“And those are?”

“Death, which is entirely plausible, or some good old fashioned romping in the hay.”

“ON MY BALCONY?!”

  
Changmin whimpered as Jaejoong bit down on his collar bone, his pelvis pushing up against his ass as they both reached their inevitable climaxes.

It wasn't a surprise that this had happened.

Changmin would have been if it hadn't.

Meaningless sex was something they’d always been good at.

Especially in Jaejoong's case, as he so blatantly proved with his affair.

Love and sex.

Forgiveness and absolution.

They were completely unrelated.

There was no love or forgiveness in this particular engagement and Changmin had to wonder if there ever would be.

But this is who they were.

So infinitely compatible with each other…so unaware that even in hate their bodies recognised their infallible love.

Changmin ran a hand through Jaejoong’s hair and grabbed on tight, pulling the other’s head back to stare into the bottomless depths of his eyes.

“Why?”

This was it. The do or die moment.

Jaejoong saw it for what it was.

“Because I was scared. Because you meant too much. Because-“

“Jaejoong-“

“That was the last time. It never happened again. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, you don’t even know.”

Changmin froze, his entire lung seizing as he fought to take in a breath, his mind just crashing in on itself because he didn’t know.

The last time.

Last time….

Oh God.

“Was it the first time?”

No.

No.

Please.

Say yes.

“I-Chang-“

“Was.It.The.First.Time?”

“Please, Min-“

Please say yes!

“Was it the first time, Jaejoong?!”

“No! No- okay-no. It wasn’t. I was just-“

“How long?”

“Why are you doing this to yourself. I j-“

“Please don’t make me repeat myself…” Changmin wheezed, leaning down with wide eyes and pulling his pants up with trembling fingers.

“Four months.”

The younger shut his eyes and bit down on his lower lip, his heart aching like you wouldn’t believe.

God, being stabbed in the heart would have been less painful.

“Were you fucking her all those nights you stayed out late?”

“No. Not always.”

Changmin could feel his stomach churning, bile rising into his throat like a poisonous snake.

“Tell me about the first time.”

“What? Changmin, no, I’m not going to-“

“TELL ME!”

“Are you crazy? Why are you trying to make me hurt yo-“

The younger laughed, causing the older to stop and look at him like he'd lost his mind.

What right do you have looking at me like that? I am insane. You made me completely insane. Can't you see what you've made me become?

“You already have, jaejoong! Conratulations! You already fucking have and the only thing you can do for me now is just tell me the fucking truth because I have spent three years telling myself that nothing in the world could make me stop loving you because of one fucking mistake. And now, you selfish, depraved son of a fucking bitch…you tell me that it wasn’t one mistake?! Then tell me about them all! Tell me so that I can tell myself what a bloody idiot I’ve been for loving you like I have!”

“Changminnie-“

“Don’t. You- no. You have no right. Just tell me about the first time.”

“I-“

“Please," the younger whispered, hands trembling as he dug his nails into the banister.

God. His heart was breaking.

Jaejoong shut his eyes.

“The first time was the day you got that modelling offer to go to Italy. I was angry because you looked like you wanted to go and I thought we’d decided that you’d quit that whole industry because of what it started doing to you.”

“And we fought.”

“Yes. We fought. You-“

“But we made up….Jaejoong we made up because that was the deal. That you would never leave the house angry…that-“

“I know! I know we made up, but it didn’t help….you were vicious, you were so cruel and I just…I felt emasculated and-“

“And what? You thought you’d go regain your masculinity by fucking your tart of a secretary?”

“Changmin, please stop.”

“No. I’m not going to stop. You’re going to tell me. Tell me everything you did when you left the house that day.”

Jaejoong beat his fist against the wall, imploring Changmin with his eyes to just stop.

But Changmin's eyes were clear and Jaejoong could only succumb with a sigh, “When I got to the office everything went the way it usually went. Same old shit. When it was time to leave Hae Ri-“

“Don’t say her name.”

“She came into my office with some papers that needed to be signed and noticed how frustrated I looked-“

“Oh poor you.”

“Do you want to hear this or not?! One thing led to another and we ended up sitting on the couch together and started talking about inane stuff, just to get my mind off of everything. She was talking and then suddenly stopped because she noticed some lint on my coat and reached over to take it off-“

Changmin laughed again, “How fucking cliched could you get?”

Jaejoong ignored him with a frustrated sigh.

“She leaned in and I don’t know…we just started kissing.”

"And then?"

"Changmin please don-"

Changmin whipped around and grabbed Jaejoong by his collar, his eyes shining bright with tears, like shards of broken glass.

“And then what, Jaejoong?" The model whispered, "You _fucked_ her? Let her blow you? She must’ve been all skin and no shame, huh? Everything you want in a relationship. Just that perfect amount of zero substance and sex like everything that our relationship has become!"

“CHANGMIN!”

“NO! No! I thought- Jesus _fuck_. I thought I _meant_ something to you. I thought that after everything we went through together….God, I’m such an _idiot_. I feel filthy and defiled and _used_. I can't even breathe because I've never wanted to _die_ as much as I do in this second....”

“You’re not…please you’re not. You're not any of those things. You love me. I love you and the ring that you’re wearing is _proof_ of that-“

Changmin smirked a terrifying smirk. He stared down at the ring and then snarled as he yanked the ring off of his finger.

“This? This thing that stood for better and for worse? I think it’s safe to say we’ve gone far far beyond worse, Jaejoong, don’t you? I loved you, true. I still love you, true. Will I still love you? I don’t think my heart can take this anymore…”

With that Changmin let the darkness he tried so hard to keep at bay consumed him with all the force in the world.

“You mark my words, Jaejoong. I’m going to make you hurt. I’m going to make you hurt the same way you hurt me. And then, if after all of that, there’s something left between us…then tell me you love me with a straight face.”

With that Jaejoong watched the love of his life walk away from him for the second time.

  
_Minnie._

_Changmin,_   
_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._   
_Come back._   
_Please._   
_I’m sorry._   
_Yours,_   
_Forever and for always,_   
_Jaejoong._


	6. Chapter 6

_There are times when you’re silent._   
_Your heart a steady, dull thrum - so quiet that it’s like you’re barely alive._   
_You sit and you stare into nothing._   
_Breathing shallow._   
_Arms useless on your lap._   
_Eyes vacant like you’re a step away from deaths door._   
_I wonder, then, if you realise that it’s your fault._   
_Your fault that the thought of living has become an arduous task of endless pain._   
_Endless torture._   
_Hurting you, is hurting myself._   
_Every scar on your body is a scar on mine._   
_Our love was as Neruda described it._

_"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,_   
_or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off._   
_I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,_   
_in secret, between the shadow and the soul._   
_I love you as the plant that never blooms_   
_but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;_   
_thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,_   
_risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body._   
_I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where._   
_I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;_   
_so I love you because I know no other way_   
_than this: where I does not exist, nor you,_   
_so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,_   
_so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."_

_Jaejoong, if I die, do you promise to die with me?_   
_Yours,_   
_Forever and for always,_   
_Changmin._

“How long are you going to do this to yourself?” Yunho murmured as he watched Changmin stand on the balcony, a hand absently trailing across a hickey from another one-night stand, another unknown face hovering just to the side of his peripheral vision.

He closes his eyes and envisions the countless other hands touching him, stale alcoholic kisses trailing against his ears, neck and back; whispered promises of love and desire, words telling him how precious, sexy and dirty he is.

He laughs softly under his breath and turns towards his best friend, eyes open, tears sliding down his cheeks, one for his lost love, the other for himself, bare and shattered with a broken broken heart.

“They tell me I’m the best they’ve ever had. They tell me that they envy the lucky bastard that manages to tame me. They tell me they’d give up the world to have me just one more time. How can I stop when everything inside me wants to rip me apart? Every single time they touch me, I think of Jaejoong’s face and wonder, will he come save me? Will he understand? Will he feel what I felt, seeing what was his get corrupted by everyone that wasn’t?"

Yunho wants to reach out and hold the other, but he feared his touch would break what was left of Changmin’s sanity.

“You’re breaking apart, Min….You’re going out of your mind with pain and everyone can see it. Kris is trying to understand but the child’s just confused as to why his father never comes home at night anymore. There are only so many times the rest of us can tell him you’re working late. You don’t eat, you’re always high, people are spreading rumours about how you’re sleeping with the new photographer-"

“I am,” Changmin muttered, his eyes vacantly gazing at a point beyond Yunho’s shoulder.

“I spent three years after the end of my marriage staying loyal to a man I believed had only made one mistake, only to return, ready to forgive, to find out that it hadn’t been one mistake. He’d slept with that woman for four months, coming home to me, telling me how much he loved me, all the while unwinding every string that held our marriage together. Let them all talk, Yunho. I’ll always be the bad one, the one that ruined everything. But if that means that bastard gets to hear every one of those rumours then it’s all worth it."

“You’re ruining your life, Min. This isn’t who you are, you’ve never been capable of hurting somebody, why are you hurting yourself?"

Changmin turned his gaze back to the man in front of him before walking to stand between the v of the other’s legs. He reached out an arm and wound it around the older man’s neck, bringing their mouths together, “Hey, Yunho, do you know what it feels like to love someone more than they will ever love you?"

Yunho shook his head, feeling Changmin’s mouth move against his own and his tears coat his own cheeks.  
"It’s like playing with life and death, like being burned from the inside. Feeling pain is the only way to feel alive."

“The question is are you going to stay alive at the end of this? You have to stop this, please. Kris needs you. I need you. Your mom needs you. Changmin, don’t do this. Everything you do, it doesn’t begin and end with Jaejoong, it affects all of us. Fuck him, is he worth all of this?"

Changmin sobbed and bit his lip hard enough to cause it to bleed, “He’s the reason I do everything, Hyung."  
Yunho couldn’t understand how or when Changmin had become this obsessed, so consumed by his love for Jaejoong that he couldn’t look beyond it. It had been fine when they’d been together, when the love they had for each other kept them balanced. Jaejoong’s strength, Changmin’s love - it was what kept their world moving. Without each other, they were stopped in time, unmoving, always hurting, breaking apart.

If something wasn’t done, there’d be nothing left of Changmin to save and hell if Yunho was about to let his best friend whither away into nothing.

Yunho waited until the young model had fallen asleep before heading back to his own room.  
He picked up his phone and called the one person he believed could put everything back on track, if this didn’t work, then there’d be chaos.

Changmin was weak with him.

He was hell on Earth before the world.

If the young man decided to open pandora’s box in his own heart, he’d take everything in his wake and destroy it with his bare hands.

“Yunho?” the soft voice called from the other end of the line.

“Junsu, we need you."

 

  
There were two things that Junsu couldn’t tolerate - spicy food and his friends getting hurt.  
He walked past the hoard of screaming fans in the airport and headed for the one place where he knew he’d find Jaejoong.

He stared out of the window of his car and tapped his fingers against the glass, anger setting his jaw in a tight clench as he recalled his conversation with his boyfriend.

“Changmin’s going out of his mind. He’s had more one-night stands this week than Yoochun has had in the last year….he’s unravelling at the seams. Junsu, if we don’t do something that guy is going to end up destroying himself and take all of us with him."

“I thought he’d headed to Korea to work things out with Jaejoong, what the fuck happened between then and now?"

“He found out that Jaejoong’s little tryst hadn’t been a one off thing. Apparently the affair had been going on for four months before Changmin had found out about it. He’s fucking losing his shit, Yoochun found him in bed with his fucking chief of staff, smoking weed. Yoochun’s nearly ripping his hair out in frustration because none of us can get Changmin to stop, none of us know how."

“Holy fuck, Yunho. How did you guys let it get this bad?"

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. You have to come back. Please. I can’t-"

“I got it. I’ll cancel everything and I’ll be back tomorrow."

“Thanks Su, I love you."

“Love you too, try to get a good night’s sleep in."

Junsu would be surprised if Jaejoong made it alive after he was done with him.

Changmin was their little group’s baby, there were no two ways about it.

All those years ago, when Jaejoong had practically placed his head on a chopping board to tell the rest of them that he wanted to date Changmin, they’d all given in under the impression that there was nobody out there in the world that could care for and love Changmin the way Jaejoong could and now Junsu wanted to rip Jaejoong’s tongue out for breaking his promise.

He got out of the car and walked past everyone to head to Jaejoong’s office, blatantly ignoring everyone’s whispers and the flustered staff as they bowed to him repeatedly in greeting.

He threw open the wooden door and stopped dead, finding Jaejoong standing between Hae Ri’s legs and kissing her on the forehead as she sat on top of his desk, her legs wound behind his legs.

Junsu saw red as he stormed over to the pair and ripped Jaejoong away from the woman before reaching out and grabbing hold of her hair.

“You fucking-,” he spat into her face, “You’ve got five seconds to get out of here before I rip your hair out by their roots, and if I ever find out you’ve stepped foot inside this building again or anywhere near Changmin or Jaejoong, I’m going to make you wish you were never fucking born."

“Junsu!“ Jaejoong yelled.

“Everybody knows that they’re divorced and that Changmin’s been screwing everything that moves since he’s got back. Why are you screaming at me?! I’m not the one who called Jaejoong-ssi!“ she shouted back at him, her eyes tearing up at having her hair pulled.

“Do not EVER say Changmin’s name with your mouth, you hear me? Home-wreckers like you don’t get to judge or say anything about the lives they’ve ruined. Gold-digging bitches like you don’t get to ruin good things. Don’t think for one second I don’t know whose daughter you are, Choi Hae Ri and that this isn’t the first marriage you’ve messed with. Now get out before I hit you and let everyone know what your stupid mother’s put you up to."

Junsu let go of her hair and pushed her out the door before whirling on Jaejoong and punching the living shit out of him.

“You” punch "fucking” punch “son of a bitch.” punch

Jaejoong grabbed hold of Junsu’s hands to stop him with one hand, while trying to wipe the blood from his mouth with the other.

“How am I always the bad guy, Junsu?! What about Changmin?! Huh? All of you are sitting around feeling sorry for him while he’s gone and fucked half of the fucking industry and I’m the bad guy?! I made my mistakes then Junsu, but right now I’m not the one doing anything wrong!"

“Whose fault is it?! Whose fault is it do you think that Changmin’s breaking into pieces? You promised me, you promised me that you would take care of him and love him. And all I’ve seen you do is make one mistake after the other, that boy loves you so much it’s insane, it isn’t healthy and all you can do is make it so that he comes out of this with his mind broken or dead!"

“He’s a grown up! He’s out there making decisions for himself. He doesn’t want to listen to a thing I have to say. He’s so angry at me that he’s doing everything in his power to make me hurt and I’m not going to let him!"

“You’re already hurting, you fucking idiot. Look at how you’re fucking dressed! You look like you haven’t slept in days, your clothes are wrinkled, you’ve lost weight and you look like you’ve spent years crying your eyes out! What is repeating your mistakes going to get you? You want to hurt him more? Is that it? There’s nothing left to hurt him with. He’s so far gone, that hurt can’t even begin to describe what he’s feeling. He’s lost everything because of you. He’s lost his ability to trust, to love, to be loved, to care. Don’t you love him anymore, Jaejoong? What happened to the Jaejoong that would give up his life for his Changmin? What happened to the Jaejoong that was blind to everyone but that nerdy boy from down the road?"

“I fucked up, Su. I know that. I fucked up so bad that I’ve spent three years beating myself up raw over what happened. I was scared then. I was scared of what this industry was doing to Changmin. He was getting aggressive and getting into recreational drugs. He wasn’t listening to me then, he wouldn’t even think of giving that life up and he was leaving me and Kris behind. I asked him to stop-"

“And he did, from what I heard,”Junsu snapped, his anger draining out of him and leaving him exhausted.

“He’d stopped after we adopted Kris. But then he got a call about a shoot in Italy. It was the one thing he’d wanted for years and probably the only one he hadn’t done. We fought about it pretty badly. He told me he wanted to do it and I said no, not after what we’d been through and then he accused me of trying to control everything he did. He apologised right after and decided that he wouldn’t go, but the damage had already been done. I- I fucked up. I was angry and I-I wanted him to hurt - I wanted to show him that he was mine and-"

“You fucking piece of shit,”Junsu whispered, staring at Jaejoong, eyes wide with realisation, “You slept with her that night…but what about every single time after that? What excuse did you have for those times? Is that how your marriage has been? You constantly having these expectations from Changmin. You believing that the man was perfect and then having those illusions shattered because he was getting screwed over by the industry that he was working in? And suddenly you wanted more? You wanted to see the perfect Changmin break? You wanted that power. You wanted- you wanted him to never be able to see beyond you. You-. Everything that’s happening now, you want it to happen. You want to see him burn with the same insanity that you do…"

Junsu laughed incredulous, turning away from Jaejoong and running a hand through his hair, his face falling into a look of pained shock.

“This….everyone’s had it wrong. Changmin- he’s not going crazy because you love him too little….he’s going to end up in pieces because you love him too much. The perfect Changmin, you want to break him in like a horse….everything…everything’s just been….holy fucking shit."

“Junsu, you can’t-"

Junsu turned around and looked at Jaejoong with an unreadable expression.

“Fix it. Tell him. Show him. This - whatever it is you’re playing at, there isn’t going to be a Changmin left to love if you keep this up."

With that Junsu walked out of the office, hands shaking at his side as he worked through what he’d come to realise.

While Changmin was spiralling into insanity, Jaejoong was building a picket-fenced house in it.

This was something that was beyond what the three friends could understand.

This was like standing outside a circle of fire and watching the two people in it destroy everything for the sake of love. Including themselves. Including each other.

_One hurt for me. Two hurt for you._

  
_Changminnie,_   
_Junsu figured out everything._   
_Everything that makes me so bad for you._   
_Why I wanted you to see..._   
_Why I wanted to rip apart everything that made you perfect..._   
_He found out the ways in which I could make you mine._   
_You complicate everything, my love._   
_Everything about us, is far simpler than you think._   
_It is the kind of love that consumes everyone._   
_But the difference is, we give ourselves to it wholly._   
_You become me and I become you._   
_There is no two- only one._   
_Neruda’s poems that you love so..._   
_This is the one that best describes how I feel for you:_

_"I want you to know_   
_one thing._   
_You know how this is:_   
_if I look_   
_at the crystal moon, at the red branch_   
_of the slow autumn at my window,_   
_if I touch_   
_near the fire_   
_the impalpable ash_   
_or the wrinkled body of the log,_   
_everything carries me to you,_   
_as if everything that exists,_   
_aromas, light, metals,_   
_were little boats_   
_that sail_   
_toward those isles of yours that wait for me._   
_Well, now,_   
_if little by little you stop loving me_   
_I shall stop loving you little by little._   
_If suddenly_   
_you forget me_   
_do not look for me,_   
_for I shall already have forgotten you._   
_If you think it long and mad,_   
_the wind of banners_   
_that passes through my life,_   
_and you decide_   
_to leave me at the shore_   
_of the heart where I have roots,_   
_remember_   
_that on that day,_   
_at that hour,_   
_I shall lift my arms_   
_and my roots will set off_   
_to seek another land._   
_But_   
_if each day,_   
_each hour,_   
_you feel that you are destined for me_   
_with implacable sweetness,_   
_if each day a flower_   
_climbs up to your lips to seek me,_   
_ah my love, ah my own,_   
_in me all that fire is repeated,_   
_in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,_   
_my love feeds on your love, beloved,_   
_and as long as you live it will be in your arms_   
_without leaving mine."_

_Changmin, there is no me, if there is no you._   
_And if you die, that’s because I would have died long before you, my love._   
_Yours,_   
_Forever and for always,_   
_Jaejoong._


	7. Chapter 7

  
_“It was many and many a year ago,_   
_In a kingdom by the sea,_   
_That a maiden there lived whom you may know_   
_By the name of Annabel Lee;_   
_And this maiden she lived with no other thought_   
_Than to love and be loved by me.”_

 

Changmin held a worn book in one hand, his other trailing absently through Kris’s hair as the words of poems, long celebrating the loss of love, melded among each other in a sad, dismal song.

He was starting to hate those words. Sadness. Depression. Loss. How much longer would he drive himself to the point of insanity because the existence of joy, seemed like an ephemeral tragedy in the midst of a darkness, that had invaded his life over and over again in the last three and a half years?

The young man read and read and  _read_  and finally believed that there were so many kinds of love expressed so wholly in the disconnect found within the limits of poetry.  
Innocent love – that shy smile across a crowded room, the first kiss under the quiet moon, the laughter following the tears of that first fight, those scared whispered words while hands grabbed each other’s under the table.  
Crazy love- Sneaking out of the house, uncaring of consequences, head first, toes last, brain left behind, the backseat of a car, the end of the world and back on the very first night, the heartbreak and its inevitability because damn the heart for betraying the brain and leaving it so far behind.  
Eternal love – fear for the other, pride for the other, trust of the other, everything for and of the other. That moment when prayers say “if we live until we’re 89, I hope I live a day less so I never have to see you go”…you wonder why there’s no forever.  
Hateful love – anger, jealousy, hurt and the inevitable ‘why did it have to be you?”

_“I was a child and she was a child,_   
_In this kingdom by the sea;_   
_But we loved with a love that was more than love-_   
_I and my Annabel Lee;_   
_With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven_   
_Coveted her and me.”_

 

Then again, Changmin thought as he raised his eyes unseeingly at the wall in front of him, was all love one love? Could you have everything that love had to offer and then nothing at all.

Could eternal love exist for a second and then vanish when there was no “each other”?  Could you gain eternity in less than a lifetime? 

If Changmin had already been given eternity…then what was he living through now?

Purgatory?

Hell?

He was certain this wasn’t heaven.

The model jerked out of his reverie when Kris shifted. He looked down to see his son staring up at him, his big, beautiful, wonderful eyes boring into his soul.

No. Maybe there was a bit of heaven left in this hell. Kris was the only blessing he had left in his life. The one good thing that came out of his disastrous marriage.

“You stopped reading the poem…” his son muttered, turning and burying his head into his father’s stomach.

“I thought you’d fallen asleep,” Changmin mumbled, smiling at his stubborn son, who’d refused to let his father out of his sight the entire night, no matter how sleepy he got.

Changmin didn’t know how Junsu had managed to convince his son to do this, but ever since a month ago, every single time Changmin so much as stepped out of the house to engage in some self-destructive behaviour, Kris would start crying and refuse to let him out of the house.

He didn’t think his son knew any of the stuff he’d been up to, especially since entertainment news channels and tabloids were banned in their house; and he was 90% sure none of the adults would have dared to explain any of his transgressions to a nine year old boy; but whatever Junsu had said, had scared his son enough to never let his father out of his sight.

“Papa…” the child whined.

“Alright, alright, you brat, I was just resting my vocal chords.”

The look that particular statement garnered was so like himself that Changmin bit back a grin and looked down at the poem again.

 

_“And this was the reason that, long ago,_   
_In this kingdom by the sea,_   
_A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling_   
_My beautiful Annabel Lee;_   
_So that her highborn kinsman came_   
_And bore her away from me,_   
_To shut her up in a sepulchre_   
_In this kingdom by the sea._

_The angels, not half so happy in heaven,_   
_Went envying her and me-_   
_Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,_   
_In this kingdom by the sea)_   
_That the wind came out of the cloud by night,_   
_Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee._

_But our love it was stronger by far than the love_   
_Of those who were older than we-_   
_Of many far wiser than we-_   
_And neither the angels in heaven above,_   
_Nor the demons down under the sea,_   
_Can ever dissever my soul from the soul_   
_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee._

_For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams_   
_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;_   
_And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes_   
_Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;_   
_And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side_   
_Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,_   
_In the sepulchre there by the sea,_   
_In her tomb by the sounding sea.”_

 

“So the man killed himself?” Kris asked, tracing patterns on the muscles of Changmin’s upper arms.

“I’d assume so…” the older man replied, wondering how to explain to a child who had everything to live for, what it was like to just want everything to  _stop._

“Some people, Krispy….are so in love that they can’t live without each other. People talk about being independent and owning oneself – but that doesn’t always work out and you start  _needing_  someone next to you, no matter how bad they are for you-“

“But Annabel wasn’t bad for the narrator…”

Changmin looked at his son and sighed in acquiescence, “You’re right, let’s just say I’m talking about this on a general level – there will come a time when you start valuing people around you more than your own life. For example, I love you more than my own life and if something ever happened to you, I wouldn’t know what would happen to me…”

“I’m not going to leave you, Dad.”

Changmin smiled before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss against the boy’s forehead, “I know that, my love.”

“Dad?”

“Yeah, love?”

“You love Papa like that too, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been acting…not yourself? Do you want to…do what the guy did?”

“Your Papa isn’t dead, Krispy…Where would I go?”

“You’ve been acting like he is…you keep forgetting to kiss me goodnight and I never see you anymore…you don’t …you don’t look like yourself anymore…”

“Oh baby…”

“Uncle Junsu said that if you kept leaving, you wouldn’t come back home one day.”

Changmin bit his lip, a twinge of anger coursing through him at Junsu for scaring his son like that.

“Uncle Junsu was –“

“Lying?”

_Was he?_  Changmin wondered to himself as he struggled to find the right words.

“I-I was angry at your Papa and I wanted to forget, so I used to go out to –“

_Damn,_ how was he supposed to explain this to a child?

“Forget.” The boy helpfully supplied.

“Yeah.”

“You can’t do that anymore, no matter how much you love Papa or how angry you are, you can’t forget,” Kris stated softly, staring at his father with eyes so much like Jaejoong’s, watery, wide, wonderful eyes.

“I won’t. I won’t. I promise.”

“Did the poet love Annabel like you love Papa?”

“Yeah, baby. Something like that.”

_I don’t think Poe’s love for the woman came close to this insanity._

“He really must’ve loved her then,” Kris muttered, a small v forming between his brows.

Changmin sighed and pressed a finger against the boy’s forehead, “If you keep making faces like that, one day it’s going to stay like that and everyone’s going to start calling you the Grinch.”

“Nah, that’s Uncle Junsu’s dad.”

The model, who had been too busy smoothing out his son’s frown and trying not to over-think what had just happened, burst out into shocked laughter before trying to muffle it behind fake coughs.

“Kris! You can’t talk about anyone like that!”

“Yun-Appa says it all the time. He says Junsu’s mom and dad are the base [bane] of his existence and that Junsu’s dad always looks like he has shit-“

Changmin placed a hand on Kris’s mouth and held tight, using all his strength to stop himself from laughing and waking everyone in the house up.

“Never,” the older man croaked out, “never ever say any of that out loud.”

“Mmmggphhh- but it’s true, he looks – conscripted, is that the word?”

“Constipated…”

“See! You think so too!”

“No- I mean yeah but- no. I mean no. I don’t think so. I mean it’s ‘constipated’ not ‘conscripted’”

Kris rolled his eyes so exasperatedly, that Changmin felt like he was looking into a mirror and thanked his stars that these were the only few bad qualities he’d managed to acquire from the model.

“Dad, you’re missing the point.”

Changmin cocked an eyebrow. There was a point to this conversation?

“I’m not like Junsu’s dad. I won’t look like the Grinch. I’m like Papa. I’ll look good when I frown. You used to say he looked like a hot piece of as-“

Changmin clamped his hand back down on his son’s mouth and looked up at the ceiling in prayer.

“What have I told you about using that word?”

“That it makes you look and sound like one?”

“Yes.”

“But Papa says you like as-“

“KRIS!”

The young boy pouted and raised his hand to point at the wall behind the bed, “If you don’t like people frowning then why is that picture of Papa above your bed?”

Changmin bit the inside of his cheek and tried very  _very_ hard to not blush in front of his son, “The same reason your Papa has a picture of me in his room,” the model muttered a bit darkly, thinking of the picture of Jaejoong’s room Yoochun had sent him a year or two ago.

Seeing his own photograph above the man's bed had made him feel a lot of unnecessary emotions.

 

God, he hated that picture. It was one of the few where Jaejoong had managed to capture him completely unaware.

It was also one of his best pictures.

And the worst because it embodied everything happy about their family vacation to Italy way back when.

“You kiss the poster every morning too?”

Changmin froze.

“What?”

“Do you kiss Papa’s picture every morning too?”

He stared at his son.

“Your Papa does  _what_?”

 


	8. Chapter 8

_Jaejoong,_   
_I haven’t written a single letter to you in a month._   
_I wanted to forget. At least for a while._   
_Yunho…he told me what I was doing wasn’t healthy. That hurting myself was not the answer to ruining you._   
_I wonder then, what it will take to usurp you from your throne, Kim Jaejoong? What will it take for me to rip you apart, bit by bit, one emotion at a time?_   
_Oh, but these are nothing but hopeless words for a hopeless love._   
_The difference between this letter and the others is that this will not be me crying over spilled milk. I’ve realised that though my love for you is insanity, my love for our son far surpasses that. I need to remind myself of this in every passing second – or else it would only be too easy to give up._   
_I won’t see him hurt._   
_I won’t hurt him by destroying myself._   
_Even as I think that I can’t help but wonder why our love couldn’t be as pure? Why couldn’t the mere thought of hurting the other be enough to say “No.”_   
_Would you have gone so out of your way to hurt our son, just because you wanted to prove something to yourself?_   
_I will not waste more time crying over this._   
_Over you._   
_Why do you make me question myself and my choices at every turn? Why do you make me wonder why I wasn’t enough? What was so wrong with me that you had to grab my hand and yank me down so hard that my body and heart were bruised all over?_   
_I have not been the perfect husband to you. There were many times I chose my career over you – not because I loved you any less – but because I wanted to be so much more for you. I wanted you to be proud and in that quest I made many mistakes but none that could half as hurt you, as you did me._   
_You have gone seamlessly out of your way to figure out how to break “perfect” Changmin’s “perfect” façade. When you full well know it never existed._   
_No. What you wanted to do was show the world that I was nothing but chaos underneath._   
_You let your insecurities drive you to unleashing my own._   
_And now I am destruction and hate._   
_Now our lives are spilled like a toppled over paint canister in front of the hungry eyes of every single person who had little to no right to even see a fraction of it._   
_There is no love lost between us, my love – there was too much to begin with._   
_The trust? Now that was ripped to miniscule shreds._   
_I’ve reiterated this point so many times but it’s like a tumor in my brain. Never letting me forget and I wonder again - how can I trust you when every time I close my eyes I see you with her?_   
_I hear your voice echoing through my head “that was the last time.”_   
_This is my last time, Kim Jaejoong._   
_This is the last time I’m going to walk in front of you and ask you –_   
_“Is there anything left to save?”_   
_They say “Sometimes, the only reason why you won't let go of what's making you sad is because it was the only thing that made you happy.”_   
_Does that still hold true to us?_

_Yours,_   
_Forever and for always,_   
_Changmin._

 

Changmin stepped out of his Vanquish, one of the most “celebrity –like” cars that he owned and pulled off his sunglasses to stare at the building in front of him.

Three years ago he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t step foot in there, but here he was adding to a growing list of broken promises that were the courtesy of his ex-husband.

Yoochun who happened to glance out of the window of Jaejoong’s office, saw the car for what it was – a statement and an armor.

There were many things Shim Changmin was – flashy was not one of them. That car was to show every person within Jaejoong’s company that the model was not at the same level as them. He was not just anybody; and they didn’t have a single right to say anything about him that would bring him down.

The mask was back on - frigid eyes, impeccable posture and a silent mouth that only a few people had the privilege of knowing how sharp its tongue really was. Cutting could hardly express Shim Changmin’s way of speaking.

Yoochun looked down at the photographs in front of him, lying on Jaejoong’s desk in a haphazard fashion – as if his friend had taken one look at them and flung them on to the desk in anger.

Oh, but the lawyer knew what had peeved his best friend – it was the raw vulnerability in the pictures.

While so many were used to seeing Changmin seduce the camera, nobody had yet seen him expose himself so wholly. Even Yoochun had to look away from the depth of the model’s eyes as they gazed back at him.

 

  
There was so much sadness in them, so much innocence.

He could practically feel a phantom twinge of Jaejoong’s jealousy. No…nobody should be allowed to see him this way.

Silently, and almost guiltily Yoochun wondered if the person who took these pictures was one of the few Changmin had slept with, knowing full well that these would be the pictures that would set Jaejoong’s heart ablaze.

It pained him to see them move to such lengths to test the other in their love.

The other photos weren’t any better, postures all showing defeat or at the very least an innocent surrender – an acceptance of what fate had given him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Yoochun reached over and turned one of the pictures over, only to find that Jaejoong had written something behind it – almost unconsciously it would seem – as the writing looked fairly unclear and haphazard.

_“You are tired_   
_(I think)_   
_Of the always puzzle of living and doing;_   
_And so am I._   
_Come with me then_   
_And we'll leave it far and far away-_   
_(Only you and I understand!)”_

_You have played_   
_(I think)_   
_And broke the toys you were fondest of_   
_And are a little tired now;_   
_Tired of things that break and-_   
_Just tired._   
_So am I._

_But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight_   
_And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart-_   
_Open to me!_   
_For I will show you the places Nobody knows_   
_And if you like_   
_The perfect places of Sleep._

_Ah come with me!_   
_I'll blow you that wonderful bubble the moon_   
_That floats forever and a day;_   
_I'll sing you the jacinth song_   
_Of the probable stars;_   
_I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream_   
_Until I find the Only Flower_   
_Which shall keep (I think) your little heart_   
_While the moon comes out of the sea._

EE Cummings. Yoochun thought as he traced the words with his finger.  
One more of Jaejoong’s favourite poets.

He wondered whether these were Jaejoong’s words to Changmin? Or what Jaejoong perceived as Changmin’s words to him.

There had been a time long ago when the three friends had looked on at the two and wondered – what was it about poetry that made those two so wholly in love?

Junsu has said quite empathetically that he felt like the two embodied the essence of poetry - abstract, terrifying and meaningful in ways that are beyond words and solely in context.  
Yunho had more or less agreed.

But Yoochun, he was the one who saw it a little differently. Poetry was in every sense a lack of structure, a lack of simple communication – but there was meaning. There was a deeper understanding.

While Changmin and Jaejoong could never communicate (and that formed the basis of their collapse as a couple) – they understood each other. They saw the meaning in each other.

They saw themselves in each other.

Yoochun looked up and saw Jaejoong walk back into the office, flinging his phone onto the sofa and running a hand through his hair.

“Find that fucking photographer and have him fired!” Jaejoong shouted, letting out soft growls in between every word.

“As much as I would love to see how well that would pan out in court. I can’t do that. It’s against company policy to fire people without discussing it with them first and not to mention illegal to fire someone for no reason other than you being jealous.”

“Shut the fuck up, Yoochun. I’m sure he’s the bastard that Changmin-“

“Slept with?” A voice said from the door.

Yoochun raised an eyebrow and took that as his cue to leave; smiling softly at Changmin before walking around him and out the door.

Jaejoong on the other hand stood stalk still, clenching and unclenching his fist.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jaejoong snarled, refusing to turn around.

“Last I heard, I owned half this company.” Changmin said dryly, “I came to talk,” he said, locking the office door behind him and looking at Jaejoong’s broad back.

“I think we’ve both said and done enough, don’t you?”

Changmin smirked a little at that, “No. I’ve said enough. You’ve done enough. Now, I’m doing and you’re going to start talking.”

Jaejoong turned around and glared at his ex-husband, “You want me to talk? Are you going to let me talk? Or are you going to go back to proving what a fucking slut I married.”

The older man knew he’d regret the words as soon as they came out of his mouth, but apparently his brain and his mouth had little do with each other at this point.

Changmin’s eyes hardened even more if that was possible. The model walked around Jaejoong towards his table and picked up one of the pictures.

“Ironic isn’t it? You fucked your secretary on this table in front of me…and now you’re throwing a tantrum over the idea that the pictures on your table are from the same man that fucked me.”

Jaejoong bit his lip and glared harder at the man in front of him.

Changmin just laughed a little hollowly.

“Should I narrate it to you, Jaejoong? Tell you how I looked at him so vulnerably, showed him how soft the Ice Prince really was, walked up to him after the shoot, ran my hands along his arms, whispered in his ears, asked him to come to a hotel with me so that he could get his hands all over m-“

“Shut up! Shut up Shut up Shut up!”

“Why?! Does it hurt?! Does it burn you on the inside?! Does it make you want to hate me?!”

“I don’t care!” Jaejoong shouted, his eyes wide, hands trembling, “I don’t give a fucking crap about what you do now!

Changmin smiled, tilted his head to the side and stared at the man he loved with everything in him, “You care. It makes you sick. It makes you want to claw out of your skin because you can’t even breathe. You’re suffocating – but big bad Kim, he won’t show it – because he doesn’t want to be beaten at his own sick game.”

Jaejoong laughed incredulously, “Junsu, he came at me – called me psychotic for playing you – but we both know who the real psychopath is! Everyone thinks you’re this innocent little flower, defiled by the big bad Kim Jaejoong. But nobody, nobody knows what you were like. Four years I saw you go from a sixteen year old innocent, wonderful and bright boy to a fucking anorexic, drug addict that hated the whole fucking world. I watched you spit in my face every single fucking time I said no to you, told you to stop. I saw you take yourself and destroy everything about yourself one by one, inch by fucking inch. Everyday I’d hear you say how much you hated me, wished I was dead because I’d put you into rehab, the emotionally unstable bastard that you were. I married you because I loved you to the moon and back, and I thought that that would be enough. I thought if you had something or someone to hold on to that you would stop but then the only fucking time you stopped – even thought­ about changing yourself was when I told you I wanted to be a father. And do you know what the best part was? I wasn’t even sure I wanted to be one, because I was too fucking young. I didn’t know what to do! So I did everything. So tell me? Was I supposed to feel secure in our relationship? Was I supposed to feel loved? Didn’t you even think for one second that you going back to modeling was going to ruin me? Ruin us.”

Jaejoong breathed, eyes bright and stared at the man in front of him.

“You may have conveniently forgotten what those years were like Changmin, but I fucking didn’t. And now you go and do everything that you used to do before, to what? Prove a point? Play the same fucking game I did. Hurt me. Hurt you. Destroy everything so that there’s no forgiveness? So instead of sitting here, telling me how you went around screwing every guy with a dick and rubbing it in my face, why don’t you go find Junsu and tell him who the real psychopath is – tell him it’s y-!“

“Us,” Changmin said, eyes flashing dangerously, “Do you realize how fucking abnormal this is? Do you realize how fucking screwed up we are? That we can’t even communicate like normal people? That we have to hurt and hurt and hurt to prove a point that could have so easily been cleared in one angry conversation. I knew what me asking you to let me go to Milan was going to do to you, I knew you’d be scared, but I also trusted you to believe that I wasn’t going to fuck up anymore. Do you know how much I tried? How much time I’d spend everyday trying to be better for you? Showing you that I was worthy of your love? Being fucking perfect so that you’d be proud. Wasn’t that apology enough? Am I always going to have to walk around with that weight on my shoulders?”

The younger man now had tears streaming down his face, “Adopting Kris isn’t what made me better….it was you. I changed for you. When you talked about wanting to adopt, I was so scared. I was twenty years old and I was a fucking drug addicted, super model that was messing up the one good thing I had going for me. I got clean so that you could have a future with someone like me; So that you could finally finally be proud of having a failure like me as a husband and as the father of your child. Everything I’ve ever done has been for you.”

Changmin sat down on the sofa and put his head in his hands, “I wanted to go to Milan so that I could prove to you that I had changed enough, healed enough, that I could get back into modeling and not screw up. But then I saw, I saw how much you hated the idea and even though I tried to fight you on it, I gave up and said okay and you left and I thought you needed space and it was all going to be okay. Four months later I walked in on you screwing your secretary in this office and it fucking ­hurt. I died a little on the inside every single time I remembered and I had to leave or I’d ruin myself. I filed for a divorce because I was angry and I couldn’t even think about letting you near me or even seeing you. I left and then three years later, three long long years of healing later, I came back. I came back to say it’s okay, it was one mistake. I found every way to justify what you did and I was ready to let it go. Only then I find out it wasn’t one mistake. It was four months of you cheating on me. Cheating and then coming back home to me like nothing was wrong, sleeping in our bed and telling me you loved me. And now all I want to do is make you hurt. I want to see you in pain. I want to make you feel what you made me feel and the only way I know how is by hurting myself.”

Changmin looked up helplessly at his ex-husband and held out both his hands in question, his lower lip trembling like a child’s, “Why would you do this to me? Why are you killing me? Why don’t you love me as much as I love you? Why do you have to make everything so hard to deal with? Why am I just never ever enough?”

Jaejoong knelt down in front of the model and held the man’s face between his shivering palms, “I love you. I love you. I love you so much that I go crazy when it comes to dealing with you. Changminnie, I’m so gone on you, I can’t even see straight. I’m a horrible person. I hurt you. I know that. In my head, I had to see how much I meant to you. I was angry and I was going insane from that anger. Every time I saw you all I could hear was you telling me you hated me, four years, Changmin. Four years I had to hear you say you hated me, that you wished I was dead, that I was the reason you’d ruined your life. When you wanted to go to Milan, instead of understanding you, I wanted to punish you for things that you’d done so long ago, I wanted you to be sorry you’d even brought it up and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I ruined everything because I didn’t understand.”

Changmin grabbed Jaejoong’s hands and pulled them down into his lap.

“In those years that we were married, did you ever, even for a second think I would cheat on you or betray you in anyway, no matter how messed up I got?”

Jaejoong shut his eyes.

“Never.”

Changmin turned his head away, “Do you understand how privileged you were to have that assurance? How privileged you were to just know that no matter how bad things got, my loyalty, my whole being only belonged to you?”

Jaejoong looked up at the younger man and held on to his hands tightly, “I know. I know. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. God, what do I do?”

“Do you still love me, despite everything?”

“Yes…more than anyone or anything.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Ask me?”

“Do you still love me, despite everything?”

“Yes. More than my own life.”

Jaejoong shut his eyes.

“Do you trust me?”

Changmin breathed.

“No.”

Jaejoong looked up at him helplessly.

“But I want to try to.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

_Jaejoong,_  
_“Second Chances.”_  
_Second chances turn into a hundred more._  
_Why do we give them out to the people around us?_  
_Because it’s human?_  
_Because of forgiveness?_  
_Peace of mind?_  
_To start over because our faith in happy endings surpasses our own sense of self-preservation?_  
_Is it because this time, we can end it right?_  
_That this time, our hearts don’t ache when we think of the past?_  
_The complexities of human nature- they make me question my own motives, my every thought, every fear._  
_But the answer in my case, is as simple and complex as day and night._  
_My answer is love._  
_A hopeless kind of love._  
_Most people don’t understand this kind of love._  
_Yunho can’t understand why I’d even try to let you back into my life._  
_He says that he can never forgive you, not for what you turned me into, not for the hatred that looks back at me in the mirror._  
_There used to be moments, when we were married, when we fought, that you’d turn away and I would stop breathing._  
_Who knew it would be just as bad when I turned away from you?_  
_Three years, I couldn’t breathe. A weight on my chest. A hand at my throat._  
_And then I see you and even though it hurts, like knives cutting through my skin, I can finally breathe._  
_Haniel Long once said, “So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. All other pacts of love or fear derive from it and are modeled upon it.”_  
_Everybody forgets that you were once my family. My husband._  
_Not a boyfriend._  
_Not that one boy “that just wasn’t worth it.”_  
_Is it any wonder then? That my stability as a person is linked so profoundly to my understanding of our relationship?_  
_I laugh as I write this._  
_A derisive, short laugh._  
_Exasperated._  
_Tired._  
_Second Chances?_  
_It’s more than love._  
_It’s hope._  
_It’s just that simple._  
_Nietzsche wrote, “Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of men.”_  
_George Iles wrote, "Hope is faith holding out its hands in the dark.”_  
_But which one is the truth?_

_Yours,_  
_Forever and for always,_  
_Changmin._

**He was in that state of half asleep and barely awake.**  
**The air conditioner whirring as he buried his head into the downy pillow, his quilt haphazardly thrown over his half naked body, the white curtains drawn and the diffused sunlight painting the room in shades of yellow and cool.**

**He smiled as fingers trailed lightly through his hair, Jaejoong’s body pressed safely against his back. Solid. Firm. Protective.**

**“Are you awake?” the other asked, his voice hoarse from sleep and deliciously deep.**

**“No.”**

**He felt his husband’s smile against the back of his neck. The image of it so clear behind his closed eyes.**

**“Will you be awake if I say I brought you coffee?”**

**“Possibly.”**

**“And Nutella covered pancakes.”**

**Changmin’s eyes snapped open and he turned to glare suspiciously at his husband.**

**“You better not be lying.”**

**“I’d never lie to you about food.”**

**Changmin grinned, “I’ve taught you well, young Padawan.”**

**“Is that what you were doing last night, then? Watching Star Wars reruns with Kris?”**

**“Our son is going to have good taste in movies or so help me God. I nearly wept with joy when he told me he preferred the originals.”**

**“He’s six years old, Changmin. He’s just going to repeat whatever you say.”**

**“And that’s a bad thing?”**

**Jaejoong laughed and kissed his husband’s forehead, “Never.”**

**Changmin grinned and pulled the other into a hug, burying his nose into the other’s neck and breathing in the smell of warm skin and aftershave.**

**The former model traced a finger down Jaejoong’s chest and followed it with his eyes, stopping as it layed over a barely there hickey.**

**“I don’t remember giving you this...”**

**“You didn’t.”**

**Changmin looked up, confused.**

**“Jaejoong, what...”**

**Changmin found himself standing in Jaejoong’s office, and he watched as Hae Ri and Jaejoong made out on the couch by the window, Jaejoong’s hand wound tightly in her thick, wavy hair.**

**He watched as she straddled him and pushed up against his chest, her skirt riding up her thighs as Jaejoong’s other hand inched its way towards her underwear.**

**“What about Changmin-ssi?” he heard Hae Ri whisper against Jaejoong’s forehead as the other’s mouth trailed thirstily down her neck and towards her breasts.**

**“Not now,” Jaejoong muttered back.**

**“No,” the model whimpered, “not again.”**

**Changmin squeezed his eyes shut tight, his hands fisted against his sides as he whispered, “wake up, wake up, wake up.”**

**His eyes opened, “Wake up!!”**

**Jaejoong turned towards him.**

**“Changmin, I’m sorry. This was the last time. Changmin, listen to me.”**

**He couldn’t breathe.**

**Liar.**

**“Stop lying.”**

**“Wake up!”**

**“Changmin, I’m so sorry.”**

**“Liar.”**

**“Wake up.”**

**“The last time.”**

**“Wake up!”**

  
“Changmin, wake up!”

The model shot up and out of bed, his body trembling.

He shook as his sweat soaked shirt stuck unconfortably to his torso, his breathing ragged and heart beating a mile a minute.

“It was a dream,” the voice said as a pair of warm arms encircled him around his waist, “It was just a dream.”

“He said, he said it was the last time,” Changmin whispered, “the last time.”

“Changmin, what are you talking about? Whatever you were dreaming about, it’s not real.”

“Last time. He said it was the last time.”

“Changmin, snap out of it. Look at me. Can you do that? Can you look up at me?”

Changmin looked up and saw Jaejoong standing in front of him. Older than in his dream. Just as gorgeous. Infinitely more terrifying.

“You said, you said.”

“Changmin, you’re not making any sense.”

The younger turned his head and looked around the room, not their house, not the office, his mother’s house, his old room.

Backstreet boys poster, Casettes,, School books, home, not there, not there.

“Don’t touch me,” he mumbled, reaching down to pull the other’s hands away from his waist. Not now. Last time. I’m sorry. So sorry. Hae Ri. Last time. Not now. I’m sorry.

Jaejoong furrowed his eyebrows in concern and pulled away, “Do you want to tell me about what you were dreaming about?”

“It’s none of your business. Why’re you here?”

Jaejoong’s lips tightened.

“I came to pick Kris up like we decided. He wanted to go to the amusement park with us, remember?”

“I-“, Changmin swallowed, “I don’t think I’m in a mood to go out today, you can take Kris out if you want, he hasn’t spent that much time alone with you since we got back from Japan anyway.”

“You said we were going to work at this. You said you were going to try. How is this going to help in any way?” Jaejoong asked, running a hand through his hair and staring exasperatedly at the other.

“I just said I wasn’t in the mood, Jaejoong. We can reschedule this for later, if it makes you happy. But not now.” Not now. Not now.

The younger man clutched at his stomach as bile rose up in his throat and sat down on the bed, tucking his head between his legs.

He flinched as the older sat down next to him, placing a hand against the back of his neck, “Do you need to go to the doctor? Are you- have you taken something?”

The questions were asked so uncomfortably, so quietly.

Changmin laughed, “What do you think I took, Jae? Drugs? With our son a room away from me?”

“That’s not-“

“What else could you have possibly been trying to ask me?”

“You look like you’re going to throw up, I wanted to know if you’d taken anything for it...I’m not- I – I know you’d never put our son in danger like that and that you’re a good father, Changmin. Just, stop trying to make this something it’s not.”

Changmin looked up at Jaejoong and steepled his fingers before his face.

“I dreamt about that morning. The morning of the day that I walked in on you and Hae Ri.”

Jaejoong stiffened and pulled his hands away from Changmin.

“But instead of what I really walked in on, my subconscious decided to create a vivid reconstruction of the first time you actually fucked her and now I can’t get it out of my head. So no, Jae, I’m not ill, I’m not on drugs, I’m just really not in the fucking mood right now.”

The older man got up and walked towards Changmin’s windows, trailing his hands against the wood paneling in an almost reverent way.

They sat in silence for minutes, their breathing the only sound in the room.

“I don’t know how many times I can say this before you believe me, Min. I’ve made some awful decisions. Terrible ones. And frankly, everyone’s right, you shouldn’t forgive me for them, hell, you shouldn’t have an ounce of love left to give me.”

Changmin shut his eyes, “So what are we trying to do now, then? Is it really just as hopeless as everyone’s making it out to be? Do you just want to give up?”

“That’s up to you, you know? I’ve- I’ve ruined things. I took our relationship and shredded it to pieces, but you’re the one with the power to help me fix it. It’s never- never going to be what it used to be. You’re never going to be able to trust me the same way; and there are going to be tons of times in our life that you’re going to wonder if I would try to stray again. And you’re a hundred percent entitled to that. I can only promise you that it won’t happen again and that I’m so fucking gone on you that I can’t even tell which way is up anymore. I can’t, I Won’t hurt you anymore.”

“Jae-“

“Please. Let me finish. I’m going to give you a choice today and please take as much time as you need to decide on this, but I need you to decide whether you’re truly willing to give me a second chance at our relationship? Whether you really have it in you to forgive me for what happened and whether you truly want to start over with me again”

Changmin watched him take a deep breath.

“If you aren’t sure, then,” Jaejoong swallowed, “then you can walk away from this and we can try being the friends we used to be, no more pain, no more strings, just two friends who happened to adopt a son together.”

The younger scoffed, “You think it’s as easy as that?”

He got up and walked up behind the other, “See, there’s just one big flaw in your martyr like plan. We can never be friends, because let’s face it, the next person either of us shows interest in will be ripped apart bit by bit by the other. As for the one that already has....Hae Ri...I’m going to ruin her, I’m going to find her and tear her apart and let the whole fucking world watch her burn.”

Jaejoong turned to look at the younger, eyes calculating, “What about me? It takes two, doesn’t it, Changmin?”  
“You’re just lucky I love you far more than I hate you. When are you going to understand that you’re mine? That nobody else can touch what belongs to me? And don’t think I haven’t seen you systematically destroying every single person I’ve ever slept with. It’s in our nature. It’s in the very essence of the foundation of our relationship, isn’t it? Possession. Destruction. Chaos.”

“So what’s your choice then?”

“You knew before you even asked.”

“Then help me make this work.”  
Changmin sighed tiredly and lay his head against the other’s back, “I can’t stop the dreams. I can’t stop hating you for what you did. I can’t forgive you. Not yet. But, if this second chance is worth it, if you’re willing to beg and plead and pray that we work, then I’m going to stand right there next to you trying to fix this.”

“Junsu said that I wanted you to suffer, that I viewed your pain as a testament and proof of your love. What do you think about that?”

The younger laughed, “That isn’t news, you know? But that’s okay, I did the same thing, didn’t I? Watched you seethe with jealousy while I slept with every person around you. I know. I see. I understand. I hate. But it’s worth it...somehow...in some fucked up way....it’s worth it because you’re next to me.”

“We’re insane, you know that? No normal person can even begin to comprehend the fucked up nature of this relationship.”

“Isn’t insanity the greatest love though? The most intense. The most consuming.”

“It’s the most dangerous. It’s set up for you to either lose everything or gain it.”

“I don’t lose.”

Jaejoong smiled, “No. That you don’t.”

“Then let’s just start over. That second chance. Let’s use it for what it is.”

“And what’s that?”

“A reason to keep going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbc 
> 
> Don't forget to let me know what you think about the story through commenting or by leaving a Kudos.


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